Something I wrote way back when. (Warning: Contains crack.)

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Don't sue me.

Chapter 1: Once Upon A Time…

It was a regular day, in a regular village. The weather was regular, the people had regular schedules and followed them in a regular fashion, wore regular clothes, talked about regular topics, had regular jobs, and overall felt fantastic. Or regular. Whichever is more comedic. All in all, only one word could sum up the regularly quaint feeling the village and all of its inhabitants had…
Generic.

The green-clothed swordsman stood up. The large, blue, muscular pig beast roared with might, and swung its spear down at the swordsman. Backflipping just in time to avoid pain, the swordsman then rushed forward with his sword, planting it deep into the beast’s heart. The spear-wielding pig coughed up blood, then slumped over, dead.
“Whoa, nice, Link!” Link looked over his shoulder. His companion was a short, blonde-haired boy wearing an orange jumpsuit. He had a blue headband on his head with an emblem resembling a leaf emblazoned onto it. “You’re really good! That Moblin didn’t stand a chance, man!”
Link nodded in pride. His swordsmanship was improving, he thought… It looked like cutting all that grass every Saturday hoping that Rupees would pop out actually paid off after all. He never got any Rupees. Dammit.
“So, what do you have to say to I, Naruto Uzamaki, treat us both to a hot bowl of ramen?”
Being a silent protagonist, Link said nothing.
“Um, hey, Link? You listening?”
Link continued to say nothing.
“Oh, God dammit, man! Can’t you say anything?!” Naruto then stormed off, punching trees out of his way as he advanced towards the village. Link shrugged, and walked after Naruto.

After finishing with their ramen, Link and Naruto walked home.
“So Link, you’re going to be at the Generic 42nd Anniversary Festival, right?” Link smiled and nodded. “Great. Though I really wish you would actually speak for once in your damn life, I’m still glad you’re going. See, Sakura’s gonna be there, and, well, it’s kinda embarrassing going alone.”
Link laughed a bit to himself. Embarrassing? You’re a Gary-Sue, you shouldn’t need to get embarrassed if you can kill freaking Captain Falcon with your pinky finger!
“Hey, what’s so funny?! You laughing at me?!” Naruto raised an eyebrow and fumed at Link. Raising his hands in defense, Link gave Naruto an innocent look. “Oh, those puppy dog eyes aren’t gonna work on me!” Naruto made a rushing tackle at Link. Sidestepping it, Link smoothly dodged, causing Naruto’s inertia to carry him into Link’s front door at full speed. Denting it with his Gary-Sueness, Naruto stood up with an indignant yet ashamed look on his face.
“Um, sorry, man… I’ll pay you back later. Gotta run!” With that, Naruto had used his ninja skills to escape. Link rolled his eyes, and turned back to stare at his now broken door. Pulling out his Ocarina of Time, he placed his lips on it, and began to play the Song of Time.

“Oh, those puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work on me!” Before Link knew it, he was watching Naruto attempt to tackle Link’s past self. Link threw himself at Naruto in hopes of preventing him from smashing into his door, but due to Naruto’s extreme Gary-Sueness, Link simply bounced off, hurdling into a nearby bakery’s window. Standing up, Link wiped blueberry pie filling off of his face, only to see his past self playing the Song of Time. When the past Link warped back into the past to give his own attempt at this, and fail, the present Link merely stood up and took the back door.

Link awoke to an incessant pounding on his back door. He assumed that since whoever was knocking noticed that the front door was smashed in, and decided to go around back. Was it those damned tax collectors again? No, it couldn’t be. He offed the last one who visited just a week ago.
“Hey Link, wake your lazy ass up!” He recognized that voice. It was Naruto again… “Dude, seriously! The festival’s about to start!” Link sat up, yawning. Then it finally dawned on him that the festival was, in fact, starting. Scrambling into his favorite green tunic, he put his cap on and walked outside to meet Naruto.
“About time. We’re gonna be late, man!” Naruto reprimanded Link for sleeping in.
“Gyaaaaaaah!” A loud shriek was head from above.
“What the f-“ Before Naruto could drop his F-bomb, a large, red, lizard-like creature landed directly on top of Link. The creature’s weight was massive, Naruto guessed, as Link was instantly on the ground choking as the lizard got off of him.
“Guilmon, you idiot. What were you doing up in that tree?” Naruto scratched his head.
“I’m sorry, Naruto and Link,” Guilmon began to apologize, “But there was a bird with a piece of bread in its mouth, so I followed it around for a few hours because I wanted to eat the bread because I was hungry, and it flew up into that tree, so I followed it up into the tree, and I fell down, and I’m still hungry…” Guilmon rubbed his stomach in hunger.
“Why not just go eat at the festival?” Naruto looked puzzled at Guilmon’s complete obliviousness to the festival.
“Ohhh, that’s right! I’ll go right now!” Guilmon ran off towards the festival. Naruto looked back at Link and grinned.
“Well, shall we go? Sakura’s waiting.” Naruto helped Link off of the ground.
“Eeeeeek!” A loud feminine scream could be heard in the distance.
“AHHHHHHH!!!” An even louder, high-pitched shriek accompanied the feminine shriek. Naruto and Link both took a double take in the direction of the scream. What they saw made their jaws drop.
“Kagome, Miroku… and Tails?!” Naruto couldn’t believe his eyes.
“Please, come back! I want you to bear my children, that’s all!” The monk clothed in deep purple robes called out to the people he was chasing.
“No, Miroku, you perv! How many times do I have to say no?!” The girl clad in a schoolgirl’s uniform replied angrily to Miroku as she continued fleeing.
“But I’m a guy!!” The two-tailed orange fox declared.
“Tails is a guy?” Naruto said, shocked. He then looked over his shoulder, and saw a black hedgehog with red-topped spines leaning against a stone wall. He was fiddling with a knife with one hand, and twirling a gun in his other. “Shadow, a gun I can understand, but why a knife?”
“Oh, that…” Shadow looked from the knife to Naruto. “Yesterday was the anniversary of Maria’s death. Sonic gave it to me as a present.” At this, Naruto struggled to stifle his laughter.
“Oh, a present, right… Well, I gotta go. See you at the festival.” Naruto walked away, nudging Link on the shoulder, signaling for him to follow.

An explosion could be heard in the distance.
“What the hell was that?!” Naruto exclaimed. He then looked up, and saw a giant laser that strangely resembled a disco ball speeding towards the center of the village. He then looked even further up, and saw a huge, purple orge-like thing floating high in the sky, silhouetted by the moon’s glow. As the creature pointed his finger at the village, he shouted to the very top of his lungs for all to hear…
“SHOOP DA WHOOP!” Another laser beam was shot out of his finger. As it speeded towards the village, Naruto grimaced in disgust, and turned to his side.
“Hey, buddy, wait a minute!” He snapped his fingers, and then the author of the story, Daniel Mullins, appeared, accompanied by his co-author, Matthew Savage.

“What the fuck IS this shit, huh?! Come on, the Dark Genie from Dark Cloud?! What are you thinking?!” Naruto began to cuss the authors out.
“Well, sorry!” Danny threw his hands up in defense. “All I was trying to do was write an epic fanfic, is all.”
“This isn’t a fanfic,” Shadow mumbled, “it’s a monstrosity of anime and video game crossovers.”
“Yeah, Danny. No offense,” Matt whispered to Danny, “but it does seem pretty odd having Sonic, Digimon and Naruto characters in the same setting.”
“Shut it, Matt,” Danny whispered back, “and besides, I only put Guilmon in there to piss you off.”
Guilmon glared at Danny. “I heard that! What am I, chop suey? Speaking of which, I’m hungry…”
“As long as there are some women here,” Miroku mused, “I’m not complaining.” Then, a hoarse, high-pitched voice rang out from behind Miroku.
“Oh, can I be in it?!” A very short being with a white mushroom cap with red polka-dots waved at the authors.
“Fuck you, Toad!” Everyone there yelled at Toad.
“Awww…” Toad walked away, bummed out.
“That settles it,” Naruto threw his fist up in an indignant excitement, “instead of following this crappy generic storyline, everyone’s gonna go on a search for an idea that hasn’t been used yet! It’s gonna be our generic quest for an original idea!”

And with those words, one of the oddest crossover mashup fics has begun…

-Before I read it-
Title says, "Something I wrote way back when." Yet your disclaimer says, "I own nothing. Don't sue me."

Paradox much @_@??

Yes, it's indeed a paradox.


A TIME PARADOX.

OKAY SERIOUSLY COMMENT ON THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT

plox

I'll get around to it later.
My brain just turned off at the disclaimer.

This was written a long while ago. Anymore updates? O_o...

God I hate you.

I'm totally digging up the other 4 chapters of this I wrote.

Matt wrote 2-4, and it was like 4 years ago so his spelling and grammar are just a tad off, but yus.



Chapter 2: A taste of things to come

The group of adventurers proceeds through the twisted jungle, which opens up into a large desert.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat anything,” said a now exasperated Guilmon. Just as he made this statement the desert decided to play a trick of its own on the poor unsuspecting Digimon. All of a sudden an oasis appeared in the sand, it was about a mile off.

“Oh boy, water! I never thought I’d see it again,” shouted a now overjoyed Guilmon dashing off toward the supposed oasis.

“Wait, Guilmon, it’s just an illusion!” shouted Miroku.
“Don’t waste your breath, that dumbass won’t listen…” retorted Naruto.

Guilmon was now approaching the oasis that he saw about a mile back when all of a sudden it disappeared, and another one formed about another two and a half miles out.

“Oh darn it, I hate these desert mind tricks…” Guilmon said as he started running in the direction of the new mirage.

The group was now searching through the desert for their lost comrade Guilmon.

“Man, for someone with short legs, that bastard can run pretty fast,” said a very tired and thirsty Naruto.
“Yeah, you’d think he had seen food or something,” joked Miroku.

Link simply nodded and moved on, which made the already aggravated Naruto even more ****ed off.

“Damn it, why wont you say something!? I’ll get you to talk if it’s the last thing I do you little bastard!” Naruto yelled, as he dashed off toward an unsuspecting Link.
Link quickly picked up his pace as Naruto flew towards him, and they took off in a cloud of smoke.
“I swear you’d think those two were enemies…” Miroku sighed.
“I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with this on a daily basis” Shadow spoke up for the first time that day.

Guilmon was now frantically dashing after images that kept appearing and disappearing before his very eyes, he felt confused and very tired and was about to give up and go back before he came across an oasis with a Toad that was sitting by it.

“When I get my hands on Guilmon, I’m going to rip him a ****ing new one,” Naruto spoke in a monotone voice, due to his exhaustion.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!” The Toad screamed for help as Guilmon chewed on its mushroom-capped head.
“Mmm, so good…” Guilmon didn’t really mean the Toad any harm. Guilmon was just hungry. Very hungry. Hungry enough to resort to eating poor toad if it meant the difference between life and death. Or maybe he was just hungry. It didn’t matter now, Toad’s head tasted delicious. Soon, Guilmon had completely devoured the helpless mushroom boy. Letting out a large belch, he slumped down next to a tree and rubbed his stomach in satisfaction.
“Whu… wha… whoa…” Soon, Guilmon began to feel dizzy. Colors started forming all around him, and everything seemed to spin around him.

“I’ll go search for him from the air,” said Tails.
“Thanks, little girl!” said Naruto.
“For the last time, I’m a guy!” screamed Tails.
Everyone at once stated, “No way!” Tails mumbled something inaudible and then flew off.

Back in Guilmon’s little trip, he was dancing on the sand with himself and muttering something about hippies and classic rock.

Tails floated up to Guilmon. “Come on buddy, it’s time to come back to the group.”

“Hey there little lady, we’re gonna go have some fun…” And with that, Guilmon grabbed and dragged a helpless Tails who knows where…

“NOOOOOOO!”


Meanwhile, in a local house located in Quahog…
“I have a strange feeling that something brilliant is about to happen.”

And here's chapter 3.

I really, really want to go through these and fix the errors... one of these days.



Mini-chapter
Chapter 3 The one sided fight

Naruto was still chasing a poor, mute link around the desert with a very nasty look on his face. He was about to catch up to him when Naruto caught site of Guilmon.

“You little bastard we have been looking all over the ****ing desert for you” Naruto shouted at the top of his longs.

“Well sorry… I was just trying to get some water” Guilmon murmured, obviously disappointed.

“IN THE DESERT! I’ll give you water get your ass over here!!!” screamed Naruto.

“Oh no! I don’t want to fight” Pleaded Guilmon.

It was to late as Naruto already had Guilmon in a vicious headlock and was giving him hard blows to the head.
“Say uncle you lizard headed freak!” demanded Naruto.
“Owww! Please stop, I’m warning you!” Guilmon further pleaded.

When Naruto neglected to do so, Guilmon started glowing and Naruto went flying backwards.

Where Guilmon once was now stood a 20ft dragon with a white fur mane and two large blades on his wrist, which he could retract and extend at will.

“Wh-what the **** are you!” Naruto stammered.

“Didn’t I warn you? I digivolved. I’m growlmon.” Guilmon said smugly.

“I suggest you run” Guilmon said coyly.

“But wh- Oh ****!” Naruto said as he saw Guilmon run towards him, fire spewing from his mouth.

“OH ****! OH ****! OH ****! OH ****! OH ****! OH ****! OH ****! Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, Uncle!” And with that they ran back and forth around the desert.

“Well at least we’re back together” Miroku sighed.
“Yeah whatever” retorted shadow.

A few minutes later the party was back together and Guilmon was him self again, with a sagging Naruto right behind him.

“Hey what ever happened to tails?” asked Miroku.

To this Guilmon simply looked away and they kept on walking.

“Who knows” he said to himself.“Who knows”

And here's the last one Matt wrote.



Chapter 4 WTF!

Are adventures are making there way through the desert at there usual painfully slow base.

“I’m hungry…” says Guilmon.
“Your always hungry” answered Miroku.
“Yeah so?” said Guilmon.
“Forget it” sighed Miroku.

As they made there way, a faint rumbling was heard, all of a sudden a giant beast burst out of the ground, it was at least 40 FT long, and a light shade of brown.

“Holy hell what is that!” shouted Naruto.
“Gee like I ****ing no” Miroku said back.

All of a sudden, the giant beast starts singing.

“You aint nothing but a hound dog!” it sang.

“ALRIGHT! Hold on a ****ing minute here!” shouted Naruto.
“Yeah what is it?” answered the Author Matthew.
“What the hell are you smoking…cause I want some” Shadow got in before Naruto could comment.

“Hey I’m just high on life” I retorted back.
“Oh, so that’s the street name for it these days” Miroku said.
“Anyway back to the story” said Matthew.

“HEY WAIT, I STILL HAVNT GOT TO SAY ANYTHING!” shouted Naruto.

“Exactly my point, bye bye!” said Matthew.

The monsters singing was awful, and everyone was plugging there ears desperately trying to block it out.

“Could you stop singing, it sounds awful” said a wit less Guilmon.

The monster was fuming now.
“Woo settle down there big boy, stupid over here didn’t mean that” said Naruto.
“What, yes I d-“ Naruto put his hand over Guilmons mouth shutting him up before he could finish.
“Quiet you idiot” he whispered.

But it was to late, the monster let out a generically awful scream that made a generic wormhole that sucked everyone up…Generically of course.
When the party came out, they were on much finer sand, bleached white, and by a large amount of water.

“Think it is an ocean?” said Naruto.
“Gee I wonder” said Miroku sarcastically.
“Ohh pretty blue” says-(ill give you one guess)

“Great, water, water everywhere and nothing to drink!” said Naruto.
“If we can boil the salt out of it, we can drink it, though it will still be a bit salty” said Miroku.

“But for that we need fire” said shadow.
Without warning, a fireball came hurdling toward shadow, who, thankfully got out of the way just in time.

“Wha-“ choked Shadow.
“Sorry, you said you needed fire” said Guilmon innocently.
“NOT AT ME!” shouted Shadow.
“I said sorry!” said Guilmon.
“Ill give you sorry, come here!” yelled Shadow.
“AHHHHHHH!!” Guilmon yelled as he ran away.

And with that are adventures are left stranded by the ocean without any way to cross it.

Will they ever find a way across it? Will Guilmon ever stop being dumb? Will the authors ever stop being *****ed out?

Find out all this and more on Chapter 5!

And here's the only other chapter I wrote. I guess you could consider it an okay ending, but I think I might write the 6th chapter... if you assholes care enough to do more than just SKIM THE MOTHERFUCKER



Chapter 5: Watermelon Festival


The sun began to set on the sapphire-colored ocean as our heroes trudged down the sandy beach. Link swatted at his fairy while attempting not to go insane, Miroku played with his hair, Naruto grinned in all of his Gary-Sueness, and Shadow struggled to carry an unconscious Guilmon on his back.
“This god damn lizard is so heavy, someone carry him for me…” Shadow said under his breath. At this slight display of wimpiness, Naruto grew irritated.
“No! You’re the one who beat the **** out of him until he was half-dead, so YOU’RE the one who’s carrying him!” Naruto glared at Shadow.
“You know what? **** you,” Shadow attempted to yell, but Guilmon’s weight crippled Shadow’s lungs. “Holy hell, what does this freak eat?!”
“Everything,” Naruto replied.
“And anything,” Miroku added.

It suddenly grew pitch-black as the stars peeked out of their celestial hiding place. The moon rose, and the team grew weary.

“We’ve been walking for hours… There must be shelter somewhere near here.” Miroku wiped his brow. The beach was humid, even after the hot sun was out of sight. Suddenly, Link made a gesture with his hands, and pointed towards a cavern hidden in the brush.
“Hmph, I think we just circled around… I saw a cave like this one earlier…” Shadow spoke up.
“What?! And you never told us?!” Naruto yelled.
“Didn’t see the need for it. Sun was still up.” Shadow flicked one of his spines as he swaggered towards the cavern.

Thick patches of blue herbs surrounded the cavern. As Shadow carried a still unconscious Guilmon past the herbs, Guilmon suddenly came to.
“Wow! What’s that smell? Is that Etheroot?” Guilmon jumped out of Shadow’s grip and frantically looked around.
“Whoa, slow down there, Guilmon,” Miroku raised his eyebrow as he looked over the blue shrubs. “You mean these herbs? They smell salty, like the ocean’s air.”
“Yes, that’s Etheroot,” Guilmon replied. “It’s a plant that grows only by the ocean’s edge. The root is used in elixirs for recovering lost mana, and the leaves can be used in tonics that can be used to revive the fallen,” Everyone stared at Guilmon, eyes agape.
“How… the hell did you know that?” Naruto said in shock.
“I read it in an instruction manual,” Guilmon replied gleefully. Everyone then brought their palms to their faces, then turned around and got their supplies out. After making their beds, sitting around a fire and sharing some of their backstories with each other (All including generic flashbacks that will not be covered in this story nor in the history of ever), and Guilmon eating everyone’s food (And subsequently getting beaten up for it), our heroes turned in for the night.

“Ugh… too bright…” Naruto squinted as he opened his eyes to the morning sun. “But weren’t we in a cave?” He sat up, and checked his surroundings. He noticed that he wasn’t, in fact, in the cave that his group had taken shelter in. Instead, he was in the middle of the beach. There were girls in bikinis, Miroku chasing said girls, said girls running and screaming, Link in a Speedo, Guilmon eating-

“Wait, Link in a Speedo?!” Naruto gaped for a moment, then shook his head in disgust and looked away. He continued from where he left off…

Guilmon was eating giant portions of watermelon, while girls in bikinis applauded him before Miroku caught up to them. Shadow was simply basking in the sunlight, polishing his gun collection while sipping a watermelon smoothie. Naruto decided to go over to Li- NO! Not Link. Shadow.
“Shadow, what’s going on?” Naruto asked Shadow.
“Apparently, it’s called the Watermelon Festival.” Shadow took another sip of his smoothie, ignoring the vein bulging in Naruto’s forehead. Or more like avoiding.

“Hold it! HOLD EVERYTHING!” Naruto snapped his fingers and brought Danny out. “Come on, man! Another festival?! What is this, a recurring theme?!”
“Yes,” Danny retorted smugly.
“…Fine then, carry on,” Naruto decided that it did no good to question such matters.

Naruto glanced over to where Guilmon once was. Instead of Guilmon, Miroku was standing there with a mallet in hand. The eating contest was over, and in its place, the watermelon-smashing contest had begun. Miroku couldn’t help but blush slightly at the thought of all of those young women in bikinis cheering for him as he broke watermelon into smithereens…

The first watermelon was placed on the pedestal that Miroku stood in front of. Miroku winked to the audience as he brought the mallet down…

“Oh! Watermelon! I love watermelon!”

Miroku looked around to see where that horrendously irritating, raspy voice came from. He looked down at the watermelon, and saw Toad eating it.
“Oh, ****,” was the first thing to cross Miroku’s mind as he heard the audience scream and gasp as the mallet struck Toad, smashing him into the pedestal in a bloody heap of smashed mushroom and broken limbs.

The instant that the Toad was killed, a riot broke out amongst the festival attendants. Fights broke out, arson was committed, Toads were randomly launched into the watermelon smoothie blender, and before long, the entire festival was up in flames. Our heroes silently sneaked out of the scene before any harm could befall them…

“What the hell happened there?” Naruto inquired to Miroku.
“Uh, I murdered a Toad…” Miroku replied with a feign of guilt.
“Oh. Well, that sucks,” Naruto replied nonchalantly. “And Link, what the **** are you still in a Speedo for?!”
Link simply shrugged and straightened his swimsuit. The party then continued down a mountain road, Miroku all the while feeling a strong sense of satisfaction.

By the way does anyone know what happened to Tai-

FIN

WILL READ THIS LATER

Whatshername wrote:WILL READ THIS LATER

I give up. You guys are impossible.

IT WAS FUCKIN HILARIOUS! So how much crack was used?
And why all the toad casualties anyway?

Is it because there's like, millions of them and they say "Sorry, but your princess is in another castle"?


yay Guilmon. Tamers was awesome.

Jesus Harvey Christ on a motherfuckin' pogo stick CHILL YOUR TITS DANNY

I'm a writer, I put my work up everywhere, but do I ever shove it down peoples' throats? No. I SAID I'd read it, that doesn't have to mean I should drop everything and get to it right this second D<


EDIT: I've realized, a good amount of my posts here sound pretty angry... :c I feel so bitchy now

Typical teenage girl emotions.

Wait.


Well, Danny had posted this up nearly a year ago...

Geez, girl, chillax.

^Well yeah, but it's only been bumped for a day owo;

Whatshername wrote:Jesus Harvey Christ on a motherfuckin' pogo stick CHILL YOUR TITS DANNY

Side note:

Whatshername wrote:I'm a writer, I put my work up everywhere, but do I ever shove it down peoples' throats? No. I SAID I'd read it, that doesn't have to mean I should drop everything and get to it right this second D<

The point here is, I'm an impatient faggot when I've been deprived of sleep.



Also, Steph, I lol'd.

Hehe, he gets to say faggot.

Ok so i skimmed a bit and noticed Miroku frin Inuyasha(yes?), Shadow(the Hedgehog yes?), and Naruto(from Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm 2 which i just got last night yes?)

LOL ICKY

blizen wrote:Hehe, he gets to say faggot.

Ok so i skimmed a bit and noticed Miroku frin Inuyasha(yes?), Shadow(the Hedgehog yes?), and Naruto(from Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm 2 which i just got last night yes?)

Yes, yes, and yes.