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    My Novel Intro

    Kuba
    Kuba


    Posts : 101
    Join date : 2009-04-16
    Age : 29
    Location : Blood Gulch

    My Novel Intro Empty My Novel Intro

    Post by Kuba Mon Apr 20, 2009 6:02 pm

    Well i'm writing a novel based on people i know right now (Rl and online) so if you wanna be in it then just tell your real name and a 3 digit number.

    Intro
    _______________________________________________________________________________________________
    NO! WAIT! STOP!”

    Then the car hit them both.
    5 minutes ago
    “Hey guys, wait up!”

    Subject Name: Alex ****
    Hair Color: Brown
    Eye Color: Brown
    Age: 15
    Subject Number: 333-A

    “Oh, Hey Alex, what’s up?”

    Subject Name: Allie *****
    Hair Color: Brown
    Eye Color: Brown
    Age 15
    Subject Number: 271-A
    “Nothing much, work was a killer though.” Alex Sighed “Boss has me working overtime ever since Jake quit.

    “Why did he quit anyway?” Allie said as she popped a skittle into her mouth.

    Subject Report – Subject 271-A “Allie *****”
    Subject is currently in 10th grade and has unusual love for the fruity candy “Skittles” Apparently she will go practically insane if she doesn’t have any for about 3 days. She also seems to be in a high ranking social status at her school and is friends with almost everyone.
    “Well he asked for a raise from the boss and he said no and the Jake said” Alex then cleared his throat to imitate Jake ““GIVE ME A RAISE BECAUSE I WORK MY ASS OF HER JUST TO MAKE 10 BUCKS AN HOUR!” and then he said “You barley do anything around here you lazy slob!” it was great!
    Subject Report – Subject 333-A “Alex ****”
    Subject is currently in 10th Grade and is a fanatic with the popular music group “Radiohead” his marks in school are somewhat higher than average. Not a very high ranking social status.
    “Speaking of the idiot, where is he?” Allie Asked
    “Not entirely sure, he said he be here….Oh! There he is! JAKE OVER HERE!” Yelled Alex

    “YOU GUYS! HELP ME!”
    “FISHSTICKS!!!”
    Subject Name-“Jake ****”
    Hair Color: Blonde
    Eye Color: Blue
    Age 15
    Subject Number: 777-J
    There Jake was, running at full speed toward Allie and Alex, but you could see some figure behind him yelling something and throw objects at Jake out of a bag.

    “Jake what the hell?!” Alex exclaimed
    “I GAVE A HOBO A DOLLAR AND THEN HE STARTED YELLING “FISHSTICKS!” AND THROWING THEM AT ME!” Jake explained
    Allie just sighed
    Jake started to run across the street!
    A speeding car was coming down the road at 80 miles an hour, swerving back and forth across the road was coming directly at Jake.

    Alex ran out there to push Jake out of the way.

    NO! WAIT! STOP!

    And the car hit them both.

    ******************************************************************************

    Galaxy Corp HQ
    “Boss!”

    “What is it?”

    “Apparently 2 boys have been hospitalized due to a car accident, they seem like they’re not going to make it because of broken bones and blood loss, their organs are still fine.”

    “Retrieve them; they will make perfect specimens for the project.”

    ******************************************************************************
    Abandoned Galaxy Corp HQ, Sometime after the incident.
    The building was completely abandoned; no living soul had been there for months. But there were 8 cryogenic tubes which had been opened somehow in the last 6 months, but there was one tube still unopened. It had a timer on it read out the time left till unlock.
    5 seconds until unlock
    4 seconds until unlock
    3 seconds until unlock
    2 seconds until unlock
    1 second until unlock
    “Unlocking Specimen Number 777.” An Automated voice said

    The doors unlocked, steam rolled out, and a figure stepped out, he seemed to be no old the 17 and was dazed an confused after stepping out of the tube.

    Ugg, where am I?

    He searched around for a bit, finding nothing but ruined machines.

    I wonder what’s outside.

    He cautiously walked out there to see the wreaked ruins of a former town.

    “This is why I voted for McCain.” He sighed
    SkylerOcon
    SkylerOcon


    Posts : 66
    Join date : 2009-04-15

    My Novel Intro Empty Re: My Novel Intro

    Post by SkylerOcon Mon Apr 20, 2009 6:38 pm

    Kuba wrote:NO! WAIT! STOP!”

    Get rid of the capitols

    Then the car hit them both.

    I would get rid of the 'them'.

    “Oh, Hey Alex, what’s up?”

    'Hey' doesn't need to be capitalized.

    “Why did he quit anyway?” Allie said as she popped a skittle into her mouth.

    The wording sounds a bit awkward. Try changing it to something like 'Allie said, popping a skittle into her mouth.'

    Subject Report – Subject 271-A “Allie *****”
    Subject is currently in 10th grade and has unusual love for the fruity candy “Skittles” Apparently she will go practically insane if she doesn’t have any for about 3 days. She also seems to be in a high ranking social status at her school and is friends with almost everyone.

    The skittles thing seems like a silly, tacked-on character trait. I would either remove it or change it.

    “Well he asked for a raise from the boss and he said no and the Jake said” Alex then cleared his throat to imitate Jake ““GIVE ME A RAISE BECAUSE I WORK MY ASS OF HER JUST TO MAKE 10 BUCKS AN HOUR!” and then he said “You barley do anything around here you lazy slob!” it was great!

    I don't understand this paragraph at all.

    Subject Report – Subject 333-A “Alex ****”
    Subject is currently in 10th Grade and is a fanatic with the popular music group “Radiohead” his marks in school are somewhat higher than average. Not a very high ranking social status.
    “Speaking of the idiot, where is he?” Allie Asked
    “Not entirely sure, he said he be here….Oh! There he is! JAKE OVER HERE!” Yelled Alex

    Don't use fancy dialouge tags, such as 'yelled' and 'asked'. If you can't portray these emotions via your character's actual dialouge, you're writing it wrong.

    “YOU GUYS! HELP ME!”
    “FISHSTICKS!!!”

    Capitals... and fishsticks?

    There Jake was, running at full speed toward Allie and Alex, but you could see some figure behind him yelling something and throw objects at Jake out of a bag.

    “Jake what the hell?!” Alex exclaimed
    “I GAVE A HOBO A DOLLAR AND THEN HE STARTED YELLING “FISHSTICKS!” AND THROWING THEM AT ME!” Jake explained
    Allie just sighed
    Jake started to run across the street!
    A speeding car was coming down the road at 80 miles an hour, swerving back and forth across the road was coming directly at Jake.

    Alex ran out there to push Jake out of the way.

    NO! WAIT! STOP!

    And the car hit them both.

    This whole scenario seems unbelievable. Or rather, the beginning of the scenario. A hobo throwing fishsticks at the kids makes little sense. You need to change the vast majority of the intro to your... intro.

    “Boss!”

    “What is it?”

    “Apparently 2 boys have been hospitalized due to a car accident, they seem like they’re not going to make it because of broken bones and blood loss, their organs are still fine.”

    “Retrieve them; they will make perfect specimens for the project.”

    the dialouge here seems kind of.... eh. Change it a bit.

    Past this, it's alright. Though the wording can get a bit awkward in some places.

    You need to rewrite a lot of this.

    Good concept, though.
    Kuba
    Kuba


    Posts : 101
    Join date : 2009-04-16
    Age : 29
    Location : Blood Gulch

    My Novel Intro Empty Re: My Novel Intro

    Post by Kuba Mon Apr 20, 2009 6:49 pm

    Thanks i know i need to make alot of edits and thanks for pointing some i diddnt see.

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